One Year Later
It has been exactly one year since I had my surgery, and I firmly believe that it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Which I suppose consequently means that having the original surgery 3 years ago was one of the worst decisions I ever made…but I learned a lot from it, so I am alright with that, and I would definitely call it a lesson rather than a mistake.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me bring you up to speed. Three years ago I was in the midst of a very emotional and confusing time in the aftermath of a traumatic car accident, and I was also competing in fitness competitions as a (misguided) means to regain some control in my life. Being as lost as I was, I made a decision that was ultimately not at all authentic for me. I decided to get breast implants, kind of on a whim, because I thought they would make me happy. I was wrong. Very wrong.
You can read more about my journey here and here. Basically, I realized fairly quickly that I had made the wrong decision for me, and I wanted to have them removed. About two years after the initial surgery, I was finally ready and financially able to go under the knife again. Which then brings us to today, one-year post-explant surgery and more confident in my decision than ever.
So many people think that if they look a certain way, then they will feel more confident. But what I discovered was that confidence actually has nothing to do with the way you look, and everything to do with the way you feel. Take for example, the stunningly beautiful model with deep-seated insecurities who walks around feeling inadequate even though she is literally our society’s definition of beauty. Or on the flip side, take the person who looks nothing like what society defines as beautiful, yet they radiate a confident glow that attracts everyone around them. The difference is how these two people feelabout themselves.
When I had the implants in, I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Although there were moments when they made me feel sexy and attractive because that is what I had learned that a woman was “supposed” to look like, those moments were fleeting. I honestly feel so much sexier and more empowered in my natural body than I ever did in my “enhanced” one. I learned that being a woman isn’t about having curves or not, it’s about embracing the feminine energy within and standing fully in your truth.
The important thing is that it isn’t a matter of judgment, or of one body type being superior to another. I don’t judge women who have gotten implants and elect to keep them, because their truth may be very different than mine. But what it comes down to is that I don’t want to live in a world where we feel we have to surgically alter our bodies in order to feel good enough. I don’t want to someday raise a daughter who is made to feel that she isn’t beautiful exactly as she is, or that her body is the fullest extent of her worth in the first place.
Because that was another very important lesson that I learned: we are so much more than just our bodies. This is a concept that I have been working on embodying so that I can be in integrity when I teach young girls about it through my non-profit, Be More. But it really hit home for me after having surgery that I was personally spending too much time concerned with what I looked like, and that was taking away precious time and mental energy I could have been devoting to my purpose and passions. Your looks are temporary and fleeting, and they will change many times throughout your life. But the qualities of your soul last a lifetime. So focus on developing and honing what truly matters, rather than what may be gone tomorrow.
Also, on another note, I am just so glad to have these foreign objects out of my body! As someone who strives to live a holistic and toxic-free lifestyle as much as possible, having two bags of silicone in my body wasn’t really working for me. I honestly can’t even believe that I lived with these inside me for that long. And yes, I kept one (after it was thoroughly cleaned and sanitized) as a reminder of this part of my story.
I am excited to move forward in my life treating my body with respect and love, so that it can serve as a healthy vessel for everything that I want to be, do, and accomplish in this world. I’m excited to nourish and move my body so that it feels good, rather than solely focusing on what it looks like. And I’m excited to spend all that extra energy on pursuing my mission and my purpose. Because at the end of this life, what will have mattered most is the heart in my chest, not the boobs on top of it.
PS... the photo above is the last photo in the series I did with Jasper Johal to commemorate this transformation of mine. It also happens to be one of my all-time favorites. These photos caused a little controversy amongst some of the people in my life, but I still stand by my choice to take and post them. And this one in particular is my favorite because it represents the lightness, freedom, grace and strength that I feel after having the second surgery. It represents the real me, no masks, filters or guards up. Just me.
If you have any questions or want to hear more about my journey just let me know, I'm happy to share! :)